She began to wake up, one Sunday morning, feeling for him somewhere in their king sized bed. Her eyes still closed, trying to find the warmth of her partner’s body. For a morning snuggle, for a warm embrace, a passionate kiss. She kept searching under all the blankets, one eye open now, she could see the sunlight coming in from the windows across the room, making her close her eye, as she kept trying to find her lover. As she sat up, stretched and rubbing her eyes open, he was not there. Not next to her for a morning embrace, not there to greet her with a warm passionate kiss. She was alone, she remembered he left, suddenly, she was alone in a place where she was loved and felt. He is not there anymore. This feeling in her chest and stomach knocked her back down onto the bed and under the covers. This feeling consumed her, pulled her under, made her feel empty, useless, forgotten, lost and consumed with anxiety. It’s a moment that felt like it was the end of the world, like this pain was going to consume her very existance.
This ever happen to you? This pain ever happen? This feeling of loss? This loss of meaning?
This is a feeling of loss and abandonment. We have said that these are feelings and they come and go, right? But some feelings linger. Some feelings are at the core of our existance, they are connected to deep rooted traumas. They are clinging on to your root chakra, to your solar plexus, at the base of your spine. They are preying on your self worth, like the narcissistic partners who made you feel useless and worthless. These want you to understand that they need to be addressed, faced, healed. How can you get to face them? How can you look at something head on that is so painful? It’s not easy, healing is not easy, facing your pain, is not easy. But all great things, all incredible discoveries are not easy. They take time, patience, understanding, trials and errors. You have to be brave enough to know that there is something else on the other side of this debilitating pain. You are on the path of true discovery. Look at it as shedding an old skin, the one “they” made you wear in order for you to be with them, they made you feel feelings no one living and practicing unconditional love should make you feel. But those feelings are now yours to feel, to dive deep into them and to come out, on the other side of them, the powerful, magical being that you are.
What happens if you don’t take the time to feel them? Take the time to really live them?
When you suppress these feelings, when you push them down deeper, trying to get them out, not walking with them, they fester, they grow. You water feelings of fear, because you have to look at your self worth, the fear of the “what if,” takes over; What if you prove you’re not worthy and they were right? What if they knew you better than you knew yourself? What if the relationship ended, what if he left because there is something wrong with you? It’s normal to feel this, it’s ok to ponder this, but know that this is them talking in your head and fear not letting you get past these feelings. This is the beginning of a downward spiral, planted in fear, lack of self worth, believing lies because you have not been able to really love yourself enough, to know that you are worthy of all that you seek, want and crave. These feelings, when ignored and pushed away, they fester, like an infected wound that you have ignored. Believe me, it’s perfectly normal to not want to face them. It’s normal to use alcohol, drugs and one night stands to mask them and suppress them. You’ll wake up from all these endeavors, feeling empty and even worse, but you are human. Self numbing techniques like these are ok for a small period of time. You have to slowly move into a more conscious existence and start to feel the feeling of rejection, of worthlessness, of abandonment. This is how you get to the other side. You have to disconnect from all distractions and pay attention to the pain within.
Where to start, with the sick feeling of worthlessness?
From the beginning. If you take that feeling, at the pit of your stomach, and walk with it, let it consume you, do not react to it, just feel it. Disconnect from distractions, social media, alcohol, people that numb you and people that mute and trigger you. If you can, take it to a bed, or a couch and lay in it. Feel it. Breathe in and out and place your hand over your heart and over your belly. Let the feeling take you, keep your mind clear, do not try to figure out what it means. Breathe in and out. Do this as often as you can, as much as this feeling comes, acknowledge it. Soon you will understand that this is an old feeling and that this is not your feeling.
You were programed to feel worthless, useless, not good enough by someone that was not caring enough. They took over your heart and your mind, because you trusted they were looking out for your best interest. You trusted them to love you the way you loved them, unconditionally. You blamed all their shortcomings on the bad day they had, the sex you didn’t have, because the baby was up all night and you didn’t have have energy, so of course they are mad, they are not at their best, it was your fault for their dark and negative feelings. I am sure as you read that you think, what are you saying? That’s insane, no one should be abusive or bad to the ones they love, regardless of the day they had. But this was your norm at the time, because you didn’t spend enough time getting to know you, your worth and how magical you are. They knew you were loving, caring, giving, boundary-less. They met you at the right time, a time where you had no idea how much work you’ve have to put into loving yourself first. They found you at a time when you didn’t know yourself, at time where all your old traumas where hiding. The partner that left you, the one who was an emotional abuser, the partner that didn’t take the time to really see you and really love you, they were the blessing in your life you didn’t know you needed.
“Insane, that makes no sense, I should be thankful for a partner that knocked me down when I was at my worst? I have to be grateful for a partner that used me for his personal gain? What are you talking about?”
Hold on, hold on, I know that this is an insane concept. Hear me out: We all have traumas, from our childhood.
Here are some examples: (not in order of severity, we are all different and we all process what has happened to us at a different scale and I am not here to tell you, who had it worse.)
* Neglected by your parents
* One parent household and they were never around, you had to become self sufficient at an early age, no affection and no coping mechanisms
* Drug addict of alcoholic parents (absent parents and parents that depended on you at a very early age )
* Parents that didn’t support your dreams, made you be who they wanted you to be.
* Foster home after foster home
* Childhood abuse.
* Not the preferred child, always competing for attention.
* Not hugged, kissed, held, loved the amount you needed to feel safe.
* Never feeling safe…
I can keep the list going, forever. You are a human for feeling your feelings, for needing time to recover, for needing time alone to feel the pain. The partners that you have attracted on your journey are a reflection of who you are, what you are feeling and the work you need to put into getting to love yourself, unconditionally. You are not supposed to feel this pain forever, these men and women you attract that don’t want to meet you fully are there to teach you that you must meet yourself fully first. The universe does not want you to keep suffering, it wants you to grow and bloom. The spirit, the Devine, within you wants you to understand that you attract what you are and that you are capable of healing and finding what you seek.
Spend time healing these wounds, disconnect, feel the pain, cry, write it down, talk about it, work it out of your body, find the love you seek by taking the best care of your mind, body and spirit. Write more, draw more, go drink coffee, eat the cake, go to the gym. get some reiki, find a therapist, go do yoga… anything that you can remember or create that makes your heart happy. GET to it. You owe it to yourself.
You cant do it alone, find the people that love you and want you to succeed. Not the ones that make it all about the gain and themselves. Find the therapist, counselor and Reiki practitioner that is the best fit for you and get to getting what you want in your life.
Love and light always, Raquel Moragues
Reiki Practitioner, Light worker, Healer, Humanitarian, Oracle reader
One Love Healing
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