There is no question on my mind that we are lost in one way or another. Not as lost as a new, unexperienced hiker is lost, more like a dog finding that one single stick he already has! (I quote this)
Today I have declared as adventure day, I was going to escape into the world and look at life through that sexy Sigma lens, mounted on the best Rebel canon I am so lucky to possess. Instead, the rain is making me “wanna just hang,” and the most important thing is, everything I really needed is right here.
Ever sit and connect with yourself. I don’t mean this: Monday lingers around the corner, Saturday day into night Tru Blood binge watching felt so good, and that not so good left over food from Friday night was excellent. Man Friday night was epic! What’s on the menu for the remainder of this weekend, maybe another great night out, a movie, a bar, a….no!
I mean this: Sitting in silence! Silence. My version of silence at this moment is: a few candles, a little lamp, some Evans Blue mixed in with Taylor swift and a little Jhene Aiko. I mean a salad of awesomeness. In front of me I have a drawing my 5 year old made, that I find amazingly inspiring, Bacon cheese puff goldfish, my drawing writing journals, I’m wearing a handful of my favorite rings, and I have a few mandarins to juggle. It’s really just working out for the best I feel.
As I sit here, getting lost in imperfect English on a word document, I am so happy I could cry. I am in the moment, I am being creative, connecting with myself. Discovering who I am, in a way we do this with others, and through stimuli. How else would we know if we licked ass-kicking hot Indian food with our picky indecisive friend, in the middle of nowhere, with our so very calculation other friend? How else would we learn patience, tolerance, understanding if we just sat in our silence. But I think sometimes we should sit and listen to our true self. Read Eckhart Tolle, THE POWER OF NOW, just because you want to, he says it best, to find the essence of our “Being.” I want to hear music, I want to love love, I want to be an inspiring loving mother, I want to taste amazing foods and have truly inspiring conversations and connections with others. How am I going to experience life fully if I am not open to it, if I don’t really know who I am? This is not something that happen overnight, this a journey.
I have to find myself, and get lost in her. I think I had so many happy little distractions for so long, and was living life based on upcoming life changing events that I missed the true meaning of living. My new goal is to live in the present moment, accept the present for what it is and planning only what matters in the future and not getting too lost in daydreams. Always dreaming big in life and focusing on a peaceful creative future for ourselves and our children is important, but not daydreaming.
It’s hard to stop moving, we live in a society that requires us all to keep moving always accomplishing visible results. Being productive is one of my favorite things to be, I love the feeling of starting a new project and ultimately finishing it. I also think, especially now, at the beginning of my new journey through my life, that I think instead of always accomplishing tasks to feel whole I will focus more on taking some time for personal self-searching. I have to also make sure that I find a happy balance and step outside my comfort zone and become more active and increase my social circle. This untimely means, for me, finding groups, classes, people I won’t find at work or sitting in my silence. We are looking to be the best person we can be, everyday, consciously and subconsciously.
For a long time I thought that the world was smaller than what I now observe it is. I will explain; I was and I will always be a mother, since 2009, which will never change. But I was a mother, a wife, a maid, a cook, a working bee…and that was it. I was adamant on making sure my then husband was happy and fulfilled, he worked hard, and I pushed him to try and explore ways to be happy by being socially active. I poured myself into the kids, him, and being the best mother and wife I could be. My little jobs and this photography business were my other happy places and I poured even more into them. I had no Idea how to take time to stop in silence and just be. I assumed this was my life and being social with my kids and other parents was what I needed to fulfill my wild free heart. Instead towards the end of a hectic not so good marriage and a few failed attempts to find my “being” I realized I was going about it the wrong way. We do feed off each other, I can say I crave human interactions and great connections. I love learning something new from another person, I love the intimacy of friendships, and the intimacy of relationships. I am a social little soul, my business has allowed me to connect with so many different people, I am so happy just talking about it. But I can’t just feed off the energy of others, and I can’t just crave this part of my life and find true happiness in just that.
Therefore here I am, today, understanding that, yes being social and connecting is amazing. I will have to work hard and step out of the comfort zone I found myself in since 2009 and find my “Being”. Now I have to step back, stay in a sort of limbo and treat lightly. This journey alone, I am here to discover my ultimate part in this world. I plan on reaching a connection with myself and I would like to find a way to reach out and help others. I think that this is going to be a great part of my life, and I know I can with love, patience and imagination build a new circle and accomplish a lot of good. Happiness draws happiness, and through understanding, love, and being open minded I know I can teach my next generations to understand that the world is huge, wide open, and yes hard at times. I know it’s not all a soft bed of grass on a perfect summer day. But we have to find happiness in the smallest most inspiring of moments. We can all reach this connection and this peace, we just have to understand that we have what we need and with that, everything else falls into place. Send happy thoughts through love and have faith you are exactly where you are supposed to be. That old saying about the door closing, this is my version; “You walked in looked around laughed, cried and left closing the door behind you. What did you learn, feel, see, smell? now take it with you and open the next door, go on, it’s scary, but you have to do it.
RMB =)
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